I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.
What'd you do?
Its more like what im about to do.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.
Seriously you've eaten pizza pockets for every meal for the past 4 days
Well to be fair I wasn't alive for breakfast 2 out of 4 days
You go to bars with sophisticated older men, I steal lawn ornaments. Priorities
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
Think of it as a business transaction. That's how I justify all the horrible things I do. Blow my married boss? Just a business transaction.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
I had a threesome with my hot neighbor and his GF and by threesome I mean I heard them getting it on in their apartment and I was in my apartment with a vibrator
and I may have moaned his name loud enough that they heard me because now he won’t make eye contact
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