so i woke up with ketchup and a sticky boob on my face...this is a new low
seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...
Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.
About to see some guy and give him a glance that tries to express how sorry i am for blowing his friend while he was getting a BJ in the same room
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I heard from the downstairs bathroom "WHY CAN'T I WIPE MY ASS IN PEACE!" and a pisscrate of glass bottles breaking
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He just stopped in the middle of undressing for sex to dip his slice of pizza in ranch. I think I’m in love.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
