god I wish I could record you sometimes, you're so neurotic
MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
she was so hammered she started drinking dishwasher detergent
I dont know whats funnier - that, or that we learned that poison control is closed at 2 AM
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
I wish I could save this moment forever and have sex with it regularly. Its just tht beautiful.
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I was so high I told him we should rub faces and pretend to be wombats. He was surprisingly enthusiastic about it.
He needs a high five right to the fucking mouth. With a chair. Or an atomic bomb.
I am about to embark upon a south Boston wedding....
Hydrate.
Just gave candy to a strange child. Not my best move.
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
