my soul wont recognize me after tonight
I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.
I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?
JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Never play truth or dare with a girl who carries a dildo in her purse. I'll never go to a Denny's again.
P.S. If you wake up before noon it still counts as morning sex
I'm extremely upset that I wasted my "having sex with a guy at work" card on him
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Just saw you run by my class yelling "fuck you!". Good luck and stay human!
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