dude, i look like john mccains neck right now
Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.
Street performer on bourbon st just lifted a sewer top so I could puke down it. I love New Orleans.
I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.
I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
She's trying to sext her husband for the first time. I'm feeding her lines. It is 3 am and I am playing Cyrano for my wasted big sister TELL ME I AM NOT THE BEST SISTER IN LAW ON THE PLANET.
We got signed out of jail by an Uber driver. I think that qualifies as a great first night of college
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
Randomize
