Your dad touched me again.
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
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