I just Googled "how to lose weight but still be an alcoholic."
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
People are handing out olympic condoms downtown, just put it on and it broke, this is how there trying to raise the population. Very sneaky canadian government, very sneaky
It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
DONT YOU DARE DIE YET THERE IS SO MUCH SEX TO BE HAD
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I ate her out in the bathroom and she did my makeup. Man i love being a lesbian
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
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