Let's just have a brief moment of silence for my dignity before we start tonight
Im def. not watching the CMAs. If Kanyes not gonna be there whats the point?
she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
SURVIVED FINALS. CAN'T DIE FROM ALCOHOL POISONING. NOTHER SHOT. CAPS.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
Mr. Clingalot just ran from our apartment. What the hell?
I started to cry afterward and mumble random things. Examples: "God, please don't make me be so gay anymore" and "my mom is going to be so proud of me for fucking a dude this time." It was that or let him stay the night and cuddle. I mean, fuck that horrible shit I'm a girl that needs her space.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
Im gnna go loik fir my newq gay friuend now
Goodbee
We need a kiddie pool and lots of cornstarch
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
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