I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
2pm: Breaking news alert: I think I'm finally sober. Oh, and that place needs hotter strippers.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I need to shotgun another beer. Where's the machete?
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
My aunt comes over, haven't seen her in 4 years. First thing, looks me up and down and goes "...yup, that pair ripened nicely. Theyll get you some free drinks"
I think you were raised by the wrong sister
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
How drunk was I last night?
You tried to unlock a door with your dick. That drunk.
Not the explanation for the cock bruise that I was looking for.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
Randomize
