I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
She made fun of how I walked so I announced to her boyfriend that I have cum on her face before.
halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
Yes, he made a MIX CD for our booty call...
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
Hey I came back and we made joints with the breathalyzers the cops left last night.
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
I was masturbating and a roofer walked past my bedroom window.
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
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