my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I just made the pizza guy say helicopter six times in order to get his money. Even he knows how stoned we are.
we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.
I just want to be like i dont know you but ive seen your penis & i like it
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
He ordered a meatball sub with a side of meatballs.
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
I just woke up hand cuffed to the bar and shirtless, so yeah I think I need you to come get me.
I love you more than sex with randoms.... and we all know how much I love that shit.
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
Randomize
