just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.
ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
I need to go home for the safety of everyone in a 10 mile radius, especially me
Randomize
