my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
You go to school with some of the ugliest girls I've ever seen... How are you not getting laid?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.
I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.
I just gave a bum a ride back to his bench. Columbus is weird but I like it.
No gay bar. My eyemake up looks like sex and Im using these dick daggers of mine tonight.
i want to have awesome sex and feel fuzzy.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Is it weird that sometimes I like to have sex for the health benefits and workout more than the pleasure
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
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