I've been reduced to Capt. Morgan and Golden Girls reruns. Ugh.
Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.
if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you
I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
Hey wes just called me saying he was asleep outside by the pond at my apt complex
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
the dj asked me quote "are you sure you're sober enough to do this?" And I grabbed the mic from him and said "ill fucking show you sober- HIT IT". I also dropped the mic at the end so he had to come around and pick it up
Shania Twain would have been proud
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
In the last 3 weeks my drunken adventures have caused me to lose 2 credit cards, one debit card, a bracelet, two purses, and my $500 phone... Maybe i should quit drinking.
Sex was followed by homemade breadsticks. I waited till after the breadsticks were gone to tell her i had a gf.
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