You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
that speech was about as successful as her performance in twilight
he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
I just got head while watching air force one. Harrison ford would be proud.
She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.
I'm in love.
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I’m not lawful evil! I do evil things because I want to, not because of the law
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