a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I am going to fall madly in love with a ginger, marry the ginger and have lil ginger children running all around town. Oy
You shut your mouth
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
I don't think she considers it a date unless she publicly urinates
Almost threw up on my grandmother as she walked in the house. Had to run to the bathroom and vomit my brains out. Prolly getting taken out of the Will now.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
You started pulling out condoms from your fanny pack and threw them at all the couples on the beach
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
