Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
Im pretty sure my housekeeper high fived her on the way out this morning
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
I JUST AGREED TO GO TO A CHILD'S BIRTHDAY PARTY AT A PLACE CALLED PUZZLE'S FUN DOME WHY DO I HATE MYSELF
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
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