im keeping my plan b box as a souvenir of my first halloween weekend in college
There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone
mondays should just be called national damage control day
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.
....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.
A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
she has no right to get mad at us for drinking during the wedding. she's the one that chose the bridesmaid dresses with pockets.
Randomize
