mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
hey, what are you doing? my roommates are gone for the night... you should come over ;)
nah, i'm gonna grab some food
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
You bring the bicep workout. I'll bring the unscented gentle products. We'll both bring our penises.
I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals
I dont know, my roommate got arrested but I'm gunna get some tacos no matter what
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
I just ran into mom and dad day drinking at the bar while I skipped class and was day drinking at the same bar.
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
He really is. Owns his own house and has more than one towel!
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