My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
Because she seems like the type to give it up for a box of fruit rollups.
You walked up to me, grabbed my face and said "I just peed in the sink!"
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
I need time to grow out my leg hair and not be sad anymore
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
Got caught up in a real life love triangle. Both guys wanted me. I'm tempted to just run off with the cute girl from McDonalds instead
Please do that
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
