Sry I called you an 8
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks
I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
She had another shot and asked if I wanted to taste her tongue ring. Then I helped her pee.
I send him pictures of my tits whenever I feel like he's paying too much attention to his girlfriend.
Sign she's a keeper: "I would rather be late to brunch than waste a perfectly good boner."
Can't. Busy recovering from the worst pulled muscle of my life that I got either from excessively acrobatic boning or carrying a huge fucking ice luge down the street while wearing 4 inch heels
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
I need a conscience and I need it yesterday.
A unicorn in pinstripe pants just got on the J at Dolores stop. It can only be a good night
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
i dont think sending her flowers will make her forgive you running over her foot.
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