The maid of honor just puked.
Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?
omg no way im finding him!
he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
Brett got me a cake with a pic of me shitting
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
