did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
I think tequila should come with a little jiminy cricket
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
I didn't sleep with her. I'm boycotting arizona and she's from phoenix.
Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?
It will be a surprise...all i can say is stripper clown
Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?
He made me brush his hair afterwards because it made him feel like a ken Barbie.
God I hope the sex was good.
Omg how many tall cans is too many tall cans for 1 pm
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
He's a cop. Do you know how many times I've said fuck the police? This is my chance. I'm taking it.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
