I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.
Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.
Just KTHXBAIed an old man for staring at me
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
ALL I WANT IS SEMEN IN/ON/AROUND MY BODY. WHY IS HE MAKING THIS SO HARD.
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
I'd send you a picture as proof but I want to marry him some day and that would be a deal breaker.
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
