Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
If i want her back i know all i have to do is sleep with a specific handful of her closest friends. That method is tried and true.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
You ran into the tattoo shop screaming PIERCE MY TITIES
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
I found three naked dudes in your bed this morning. Did we have a really weird break in or do you need to tell me something?
This is either the best idea i've ever had or the worst. stay tuned.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
Randomize