I drank too much. My snot smells like vodka when I blow my nose.
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
She said as long as i don't wake her up she doesn't care what hole i use.
Got yourself a keeper right there.
last night was fun... but i spent all morning tring to get the candle wax out of my chest hair. We did use candles last night?
just threw up in the bus full of other international students just outside of boulder, just keeping the aussie reputation alive
She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Dude, you spit in your shirt pocket saying "I'm saving it for later" then dove head first into the pyramid of beer cans we set up.
We need a signal or code word for "I basically shaved my whole body and we should touch each other tonight".
Randomize
