First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
WHY does every guy I sleep with want to fix my car?!
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
You got a write up and a first aid award all in the same night. The don was impressed!
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
YOU BETTER NOT BE SHAVING YOUR LEGS RIGHT NOW IM TRYING TO HELP YOU
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
well i don't know if 30 seconds is exactly a good time but at least he bought me breakfast
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