I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards
I was worried if he didn't show me his penis, he would kill himself
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts
Divorce is final. Doing tequila shots at 1 in the afternoon.
I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
And somehow in between all the vomitting you managed to mumble "Well this is attractive!" And I swear that's when I fell in love. Best. First. Date. Ever!
Randomize
