u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.
Well besides you comparing him to your dead cat, I'd say it was fine.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I'm sitting on the toilet just to avoid my bosses look of disapproval
It was the hardest I ever came in my life and once I could see straight again I just looked at him and said "cool"
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
A dude was barking out of one of the buildings so I barked back and he goes, "Oh shit! She barked back! Come to room 803 I'll fuck you!"
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
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