mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I was picked up from his hotel room at 5 a.m. and came home with my panties and jäger in a McDonald's bag so the desk attendant wouldn't judge me. This is what single at 25 is about.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
That was the night I realized I need to grow up and stop eating mushrooms with strange 40 year old men in convertibles.
I learned so much in Pittsburgh
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
You know your life has gone off the rails when waking up in a Spanish hospital with alcohol poisoning and no memory of how you got there is not even your top wildest drinking story.
Randomize
