I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
Sorry I never showed up last night. It was between spending time with you and our freinds or having violent multiple orgasims. I chose the low road.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
The inflatable penis from those pics was mine... We broke him that night
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
God if that man would just have sex with me every time I got mad life would be so much easier...
You almost lost your european virginity to a Peruvian man waering a do-rag in a port-a-potty.
Randomize
