o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I had fun last night. We should have sex less often.
So someone hacked my email and facebook and posted a boob pic I took a few years ago as my profile picture. I feel like an MTV commercial.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.
Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.
I picked up a chick last night on crutches wearing a I am boobman tshirt. I love raves.
Tell me how you feel about belly buttons
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
I don't have any soul left to be crushed.
A to Z: fucking your way through the alphabet
It'll be a kids book
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
Randomize
