i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i tried to light my apt on fire. reasons why drunks and women should not cook
Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.
There should be a rule.......that if you have a small penis you must wear a hat with propellers on it so you can fly the hell off the planet.
How does one go about breaking up with their bf on vacation?
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Remind me to tell you: When threeways go awry, my MLK weekend story.
Like I'll lick your nuts to make you feel better if you don't get it
When you wanted to give that guy at McDonalds your number you asked the cashier if you could borrow "a pen or just like a straw with his blood on it". He gave you a pen.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
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