That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.
I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
I forgot how weird my hair bleaches and now I'm a calico
You can wake up to my rainbow of failure
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
You should make us a hot pocket to split while I go throw up.
You want to know how I feel? I feel like Cady Heron pushed me in front of a bus last night.
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
The only people allowed to make me cry are myself and Chris Hemsworth as Thor. And me.
Randomize
