I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
Dude, you posted a cap of a porn to survey if it looked like me. That's pretty certifiably creepy.
some girl in front of me in class just googled "hungover+throwing up blood"
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
I don't think you understand. I woke up under the car. At 3 am. In the club parking lot.
We found him flat on his back, sobbing, 'fuck you stars' at the sky. No more everclear for Derek.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
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