She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
On another note, I feel like my vagina is slowly being peeled off with a rusty potato peeler.
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Oh and it took quite a bit of doing, but I managed to wipe my butt with the hat you left in my car
Just called the boss a "cunt baguette". To her face. This is why I can't drink with people from work. Know of anywhere that's hiring?
How did you end up breaking into that laundromat at 3am? I saw the snapchat but like..... How?
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
you know you're in deep when you watch fear and loathing in las vegas and every damn scene is relatable.
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
"fuck it, let's do moonshine" shouldn't be in ANYONE'S vocabulary.
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
Randomize
