So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
I just smoked a bowl with the lady who runs the special olympics. Your move.
Ehhh, contemplating pain killers and fruit snacks if that's any indication.
Because I know nothing is hotter than ocean themed dick pics on SnapChat...
He was on top and as he finished he yelled "I love gold" , so yeah I'm seeing him later tonight
Okay who let me pass out in a recliner cuddling a pitbull and a cardboard cutout of Orlando Bloom
Yeah she let me pull the goalie and wear my USA flag like a cape since it was the first day of the world cup
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
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