As I was leaving the drunk tank the cop told me he had a feeling we would be meeting again real soon.
He practically bottle-fed me Jameson, like I was a baby chimpanzee on those nature specials.
This gyro tastes like lonliness
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
