So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
twelve hours since my last beer and i just blew a .08, time to go to the library
I dare you try and top an Eiffel tower full of Margarita
If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.
Whenever I walk away from the group without saying anything, NEVER assume I'm just going to the bathroom.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
Once you've seen a girl stick a snake in her snatch normal stuff seems like Barney and friends
On a scale from 1 to the worst weekend of my life, that was an 11. I can see again, though.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
Little girl was fucking around on the train and completely ran her head into a pole. Totally burst out laughing as she cried. Her mom was not amused. I don't think I should be a Mom. EVER.
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
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