In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
Dating my ex's drug dealer.. best. revenge. ever.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.
gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
How bad would it be if I asked him for my "ho ho ho" thong back? They're my fav christmas pair!
you know it's been too long when the heat of a pizza box on your lap turns you on.
She's trying to change her flight... IM BEING COCKBLOCKED BY DELTA CUSTOMER SERVICE
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
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