Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
so tomorrow. i'm thinking coinstar then adderall?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I showed remarkable dignity in such a compromising situation. Except I came off as sort of a blue ball giver.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
I feel like we shud celebrate your sisters homecoming by having sex in her room
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
The magician guy on probation is here at the bar. I'm gonna get him to show me a trick
I didn't know how to commemorate his death, so I snorted a fat line off of his obituary. Rest in peace.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
You're going to literally shit your fucking unholy pants when Jesus rides in with his dual light-sabers on his velociraptor and cleaves you in half.
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
I just realized this morning that my fridge is stocked with coronas, hot dogs, and cheese dip. And I just got waxed. High-five, your best friend is on track to be all kinds of slutty fun this wkd.
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