My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
so he stopped for a second, looked up at me and said in a really creepy voice, "I can has cheeseburger?" and then went back to eating me out.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis
I don't want to tell anyone! People who sleep with senators either end up in porn or guantanamo
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
You know what, don't even answer. Just promise me you'll go to the Corner of Shame when you get home.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
They already have a joint checking account. She's got his balls in her purse! What's next, a shared Facebook account?
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
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