i just saw someone i know on True Life. i need new friends.
I feel like she's the kind of girl who always ends up with guys who have oddly shaped dicks..
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
He told me that a camel appeared out of nowhere and it told him to quit smoking...
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
I just opened a pickle jar stoned as fuck. I clapped for myself. I feel like wonder woman.
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
I guess I was running around slapping people in the face with a slice of turkey telling them that the only way to beat alcohol addiction is to go cold turkey.
Is it wrong to want to have sex with one guy who's good in bed before going out on a date with a guy I actually like?
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