Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
i cant remember past the part when we filled his tub with skittles.
I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.
u sound so gay right now
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
ugh he was not leaving in the morning so i tried to scare him by crying and saying i wasnt ready to lose my virginity.
Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Just told my roommate about "analvice" and she is horrified and the Sound of Music is ruined.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
