life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape
Sitting in class thinking wow im glad im not hungover...and then i realized im still drunk.
My boyfriend woke me up in the middle of the night to have sex with me right before I had sex with another guy in my dream. What a unique sixth sense his penis has.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
Just found a note from Saturday that says "rainy soft hair".... Any ideas?
On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
I'm eating a subway sandwich in the bathtub because I don't want to move. God bless boys from Brooklyn
Do I go to spinning class and try to redeem myself from going drunk, or do I wait a week and hope they forget I fell of the bike?
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
How can you tell that you're blacked out ?
You can feel it in your nipples.
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
Randomize
