Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
so when I got there he was dressed as jesus in a recliner drinking whiskey out of the bottle watching spanish porn. Then kept shouting dont judge me or ill judge you. we didn't even go to a halloween party.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
Dude, the coffee is horrible this morning, Cass changed something about it
We ran out of Bailey's Irish cream...
This is what regular coffee tastes like?!?! Fuck the adult life.
He wanted me to come over on Christmas...inviting your fuck buddy over for the holidays is just something you don't do.
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
Chugging this bottle of Jim at the airport is proving more difficult than I imagined. TSA is not amused.
I just got back like 5 minutes ago, I have two champagne bottles that I carried with me on the train home and a Dunkin donuts coffee cup full of stolen butter, I've been in a windowless room for the last 6 hours, time does not exist
what is your life
Free champagne that's what
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
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