Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
If there was a bread and water delivery truck id make sweet hungover love with it.
Just from watching vine I come to conclusion that all pornstars are dog hoarders.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
we were all too drunk to realize that the cat wasnt yours
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
