I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.
She put her phone in her underwear and it somehow managed to work it's way into her vagina. she has a BLACKBERRY.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.
the night ended with taco bell and tears
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
i feel like i shouldn't just had to send a text that said "no i will not eat your ass"
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
i think i puked but i couldve been a dream and i may have madeout with a 20 something guy infront of my managers...also possible dream.
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