I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
im pretty sure you tried to fart so bad you accidently pissed your pants at my party.
Note: fake nails and fingering anus.... Not a good idea
I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
You. Dating a sex offender cop. Life writes itself sometimes.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
After last night I am convinced that you are the human embodiment of alcoholism and bad decisions.
So I met one of her cousins last night. She recognized me as "the guy that's always in the liquor store", I may have a problem.
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
Randomize
