Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.
me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
I think we r still a few steps from ex sex. In fact, that's never going to happen. I'm just saying on the seething-chemical-fire-of-emotional-distress-to-post -relationship-intercourse scale, I'm closer to fucking than throttling. Progress is fun.
That's pretty intense. There aren't many people I would pick over a burrito
Liquor has joined the party. Aly just fucking yelled "I LOVE COOKING" and poured margarita mixer, ice and tequila into the blender.
Randomize
