My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
someone made her a trophy at 4 in the morning and presented it to her in the bathtub
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
IDK. when she left she was wearing her bra like an eyepatch and offering to shiver the timbers of the dorm patrol.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
the moment when you open a dick pic with your mom in the car... On your moms phone... Of your dad... Scarred for life
Friday is the holy day of drinking. Thou shalt observe the Sabbath. It's in the bible. Look it up bitch.
He just chose domino's over sex. ARE YOU KIDDING ME?
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
Randomize
